Part 3: Eroticism
And now for the section that tends to be the most controversial; eroticism. When we define eroticism in a relationship we are talking about sexual charge and energy. Eroticism is not detached from an emotional relationship, but rather complements and heightens vigor within the sexual connection.
Sexual voice
Each partner should be an active participate in making verbal and non-verbal requests. Both of you will feel differently about what really gets you going and what does not. First you must know your own erotic preferences such as breast stimulation, neck kissing, or certain sexual verbiage. You must also know what you do not like. This is your sexual voice, so some thought should be put into this so that you can clearly communicate this with your partner.
Erotic Team
Each has an sexual voice, combining into an erotic team. Now you get to communicate these preferences to your partner and they communicate theirs to you. Then you can combine or trade off different aspects in order to find your erotic team voice. Just because something turns on one person, does not mean that it will make it to the final cut of the erotic team voice. All aspects need to be voiced so that you both as a team can determine what is in and what is out. And as always- you can’t say ‘yes’ to sex unless you can also say ‘no’ to sex. Consent, consent, consent and having a voice is key.
Sexual self esteem
Sexual self esteem can be depleted by medical issues, medication side effects, sexual trauma, body image, stresses, along with a slew of other factors. You need to feel sexy in order to be the sexiest you can be. Working on self worth along with sexual self esteem is vital to a healthy and happy sex life. Be honest with your partner about these aspects and create a plan. Self worth/esteem comes from within and can not be increased by outside people or things. Seek a medical professional to address medical issues and a therapist if needed to create a plan to build your self esteem.
Sexual expectations
Determine what you want out of the sexual interactions. It is important to know what has the highest priority for you. How many organisms you have, cuddling, talking, quick/slow rhythms, pre/post interactions; are all essential to know. You must also note if they are realistic for you and your partner. For example; if you have kids, it may be unrealistic to expect sex on a Saturday morning on your kitchen table. But it may be completely realistic to cuddle and talk after intercourse. This is part of the build up of sexual energy and your unique sexual team vibe.
Sexual risks
Sexual vigor decreases when we have easily predicted interactions. This is why dating can be so exciting, because you don’t know what is going to happen. Put yourself out there and spice things up! Go on a completely different date then you have been on before, have intercourse in a different room, surprise your partner with a treat/date/affection, or start your day to day interactions off in a different way. Getting out of routine is key here.
Role playing
If both partners think that a ‘role-playing’ sexual game is exciting, then it can be invigorating to partake in these scenarios. If either person is not totally into it however, it results in a complete sexual dud. Not only that, it can create sexual insecurities and distress around sex. Which is the least sexually charging ingredient of all. So if you are going to role play; remember to create the scenario together, be completely honest with one another about emotions/sexual desire levels, and stop if either person starts to feel uncomfortable with it.
External stimuli
Part of the ‘spice up’ process may include outside stimuli. Sex toys, mirrors, recreating past events, multiple stimulation (or single stimulation), watching porn together, watching movies/television together, lingerie, or dancing are examples of aspects that can help sexually charge a relationship. The same principle holds true here that all added elements need to be discussed within the partnership to make sure that everyone is okay with it. If someone is not on board, or did not voice their sexual opinion, this can be distressing and destroy sexual energy.
Sex goals
Sex goals may not be the sexiest aspect on this list, but is in fact an important element to eroticism. Pairing sexual energy with trust and healing creates a strong bond with one another that only assists in the healthy sexual partnership. Working through trauma, self esteem issues, body image, length of intercourse, or increasing eye contact will fortify security and communication. Follow up with one another often to determine if goals need to change or develop different strategies. Consult with medical or mental health practitioners as needed.
Check out more Makeover here:
Happy sexual discussions friends!
– Jessie the Therapist
For more information and resources:
Sex made simple. By: Barry McCarthy, PhD
Sex matters for women. By: Foley, Kope, and Sugrue
Mating in captivity. By: E. Perel
The sexual healing journey. By: W. Maltz
Go ask alice! Website: https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/
Photo by Oleg Magni from Pexels
